Passenger Announcements

November 2003

     Have you ever boarded a flight only to discover that it is under the command of Captain “Boring,” or Chief Purser “Comedian”? If you’re not sure, here’s what they would have sounded like over the P.A.:

Captain Boring: “Ladies and Gentlemen, uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh, we are currently flying at uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh 35,000 feet, and uuuuuuuhhhhhhh.” You get the picture.

Chief Purser Comedy Guy: “Hey there, guys and gals, welcome onboard your flight to the beautiful city of angels. Angels? I’ve may have seen a few fairies there, but can’t say I have seen any angels. Thank you, thank you very much, I’ll be here all day.” He may think he’s funny, but actually he makes you squirm in your seat every time he speaks.

It’s not really fair to the flying public because they are a captive audience with no choice but to listen. The no-frills carriers encourage humorous announcements, while the major airlines, fearing repercussions from the Political Correctness Mafia, discourage them. This type of humor hits different people in different ways. If you haven’t just been canceled, treated poorly, or held hostage on the runway, humorous announcements can be a source of great stress relief.

The following are examples of some of the better announcements:

BOARDING

Pilot’s welcome: “At our airline we are pleased to have some of the very best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight today.”

Male flight attendant: “Ladies and gentlemen, we aren’t anticipating a full flight, so at this time please look around, and if you don’t like the looks of the person sitting next to you, feel free to move to another seat in the cabin. Or if you see someone you would rather sit next to--for example, the blonde in row 34--this is the time to do so.”

Pilot: “Sorry about the delay in pushing back from the gate, but apparently they don’t take American Express at the gas pumps.” The thing that makes this so tragic is it was made in the Pan Am days, and he was not joking. He was in fact using his personal credit card, as Pan Am’s credit was gone.

 Pilot: “This is such a senior flight that our flight attendants are offering grandmotherly service across the Pacific today.”

SAFETY LECTURE

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only six ways to leave this airplane.”

“To fasten your seatbelt, insert the metal tip into the buckle and pull tight. If you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In case of a water-landing, your seat bottom cushion can be used as a flotation device, but, considering the airline never washes them, they will probably smell worse than death anyway. Please paddle to the nearest shore, and keep the cushions with our compliments.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, hopefully oxygen masks will drop from the overhead compartment. Please place the bag over your mouth and nose before assisting children, or other adults acting like children.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

IN-FLIGHT

On a very senior flight, a pilot made the following announcement, “We’ve reached the cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants and meal choice today.” Note: that pilot obviously didn’t have a meal scheduled for the flight.

“Mile High Club applications can be found in the aft lavatories of the Economy section.”

“Please use the lavatory in your section. The ones in First Class aren’t any different, except for a little linen fold that I can never get right anyway…”

“If you need direction during the flight, a flight attendant would be more than happy to tell you where to go.”

“The weather at our destination is 85 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than we do.”

“And for our meal selection onboard today we have the choice of the brown meaty gook or the white stuff with yellowish sauce. It’s the best I can do without a menu in front of me.”

“The only place to smoke on today’s flight is on the wing, please step through, foot first, and follow the arrows. If you can light em, you can smoke em.”

“And on the left side we have a great view of the Grand Canyon. For those of you on the right side we have…, hey, where’d that airplane come from?”

 “We are privileged to have our former CEO flying with us today in First Class. He is no longer with us because we have little money left after paying his salary. Won’t you join me in wishing him a luxurious and guilt-free retirement?”

“It is time to begin our preparation for landing. Yes, believe it or not, the pilots have actually found the airport this time…”

This classic flight attendant story must be repeated one more time: A snooty passenger in First Class after being treated rudely replied, “Excuse me, do you know who I am?” The flight attendant promptly got on the microphone and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a person in First Class who doesn’t know who he is. If you can help us with this or can claim him, we would be very grateful.”

“You complained about the meals so much, we have decided to start charging you for them. The free beef entree doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?”

AFTER ROUGH LANDING

“Please take care when opening the overhead bins because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

Pilot: “I am sorry about that, folks. It wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

As the plane landed, a voice came over the speakers: “Whoa, big fella, whoa!”

“Please remain in your seats while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.” “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the gate.”

“After all three of those landings, we would like to welcome you to…”

“We have just landed--no, contrary to popular belief, we weren’t shot down…”

FAREWELL

“Thank you for flying with us today. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave spouses or children, thank you.”

“The next time you get the inclination to blast through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, carrying approximately 50,000 pounds of flammable liquid, we hope you will think of us again.”

“We hope you enjoyed your flight with us at Pan Am today. If not, thank you for flying TWA.”

And finally the one that inspired the subtitle to this book, and my favorite: “Please be careful retrieving articles from the overhead compartments, as items may have shifted during the flight, because we all know very well that in the airline industry SHIFT HAPPENS!”

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