The April Fool
April 2005
April Fools Day was always one of my favorite days of the year. It wasn’t an official holiday but on my calendar it was. Being raised by the likes of Hawkeye and BJ from the sitcom MASH, I was taught that all was fair in war and practical jokes. The more elaborate the prank, the better. I would begin scheming in January for the events on April 1st. I usually gave better than I got, but have been the butt of many great practical jokes. Nothing could put a damper on my excitement of the glorious day, until one April Fools Day, something went terribly wrong.
Mark was a good friend and fellow flight attendant. He was engaged to Sarah, also a flight attendant, and due to marry on April 10th. His bachelor party was set for March 31st, the night before my special day. After careful research and planning, I devised the ultimate prank. This would be my masterpiece of all other April Fools pranks.
Mark was an avid lottery player. Conveniently, there was a drawing the night of his bachelor party. We went to the party and I took his wallet as a gesture that he was not to pay for anything. That night, after the winning numbers were announced, I snuck out of the party. I purchased the next week’s lottery ticket and replaced his old ticket with the new one consisting of the night’s winning numbers. This way, when Mark sobered up the following morning, he would check his ticket and believe he was a millionaire. Everything worked without a hitch. I slipped the wallet back into his jacket and got drunk with the rest of the crowd.
The telephone woke me up the following afternoon around 3 p.m. It was Al, Mark’s best man, who had helped on the prank. He told me of the incredible events following Mark’s rude awakening. Mark had checked his ticket and, after an hour of screaming for joy, continued on a dangerous venting spree. He called up his supervisor at work, told her where she could shove his pathetic job, and what he thought of her and the stupid company. Which, to put it mildly, wasn’t good. He then phoned Sarah and postponed the wedding indefinitely until he could “sow his wild playboy oats.” Mark then proceeded up the stairs, knocked loudly, and urinated on his landlord’s front door. His new millionaire status had just kicked in when he noticed the date on the ticket, and eventually the reality of the prank. Mark was reportedly in a very bad way and not taking it well at all.
“Oh, shit!” was all I could muster as I wracked my hung-over brain for a solution.
I called Sarah on her cell phone and she was crying. “You tell that bastard he can go to hell.”
When I phoned Mark, a very depressed voice answered, “Hello?”
“I…I don’t know what to say. I am so sorry. It was just an April Fools prank.”
“You’ve ruined my life and you think it’s funny?”
“No, not at all. I just thought that I….”
“My God, what have I done?” Mark began to cry.
“I promise you I will rectify all of this. I’ll undo all that has been done!”
“No, it’s too late! I’m outta here,” Mark calmly replied and hung up the phone.
I had heard those words before from a friend’s suicide note. The situation was getting way out of control. I tried to call him back but the phone was off the hook. I ran into the streets and down the road. Mark lived about three miles away. I ran a mile before I managed to hail down a cab. The traffic was a nightmare and my chest began to grow tight. I folded my head into my hands and pondered the severity of the situation.
“This can’t be happening!” I rocked back and forth in my seat.
“Hey buddy, you all right?” the cab driver inquired nervously.
“Yeah, you just have to get me there as soon as humanely possible.”
He took a back road and pulled up in front of Mark’s apartment moments later. The elevator was out of service, so I scaled the five floors of stairs in seconds. I pounded on the door but heard no answer. I busted through the unlocked door and fell flat on the living room floor. I was greeted by Mark, Sarah, Al, and about five other friends, holding full champagne glasses yelling in unison, “April Fools!”
They laughed and cheered as I tried to regain my composure. I was in shock and couldn’t quite grasp the situation at first. There I was, in the best of hangover attire, frayed hair, beads of sweat pouring down my face, and a pounding echo in my head. Al was bragging about his added touch of the “out of order” sign on the lobby elevator. Apparently, Mark was initially fooled when he checked the ticket but discovered the date soon after. Then he devised the joke to teach me a lesson. Boy, did I ever learn my lesson. I don’t think I ever quite got over it. I still have palpitations just thinking about it and, to this day, refrain from celebrating April Fools.
Now the hard part: In the past I have played quite a few practical jokes on April 1st. Some of them were brilliant and well taken, and others have cost me some valuable friends. To those who have suffered, I apologize and hope you can take comfort in the fact that the last joke was on me. Elaborate jokes or pranks can be great fun, but be sure you consider all ramifications and never be too far away from the action so as not to let it get out of control. Take it from me, the former April Fool.
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