Someone To Lean On

September 2004

Most everyone in this world reaches a point in their lives where nothing will ever be the same again. It's the moment when all hope disappears and the future is suddenly frightening instead of encouraging. It's when everything you've worked for has lost all sense of value. Maybe it's the death of a loved one, a breakup in a relationship or a debilitating illness.

Sarah recently reached that point, and I happened to be involved.

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from a female flight attendant. It read simply, "What do you do when all hope is lost?"

I wrote back with "these times are tough; call me if you would like to talk." Not less than ten minutes later a frightened and crying Sarah phoned. (I've changed her name for this story).

During the next six hours we talked about her situation. Her pilot husband had been furloughed after 9/11 and then left her after they discovered that she could not have children. She was afraid to go to work because of the terrorist threats, but afraid not to as she had no backup degree or qualifications. Her airline was on the verge of liquidation.

Sarah thought she was dealing with these adversities in a positive way until she had heard that her ex-husband and his new wife were expecting twins. She suddenly snapped and no longer wanted to live. Sarah had fallen into an emotional hole that was getting deeper and deeper.

She was drowning.

I told her that no amount of pain was worth taking her own life.

"What the hell do you know about pain?" she roared. "You live with your gorgeous wife, in your big house, writing, traveling and living the ideal life."

I understood her temper, but what she didn't know is that I had just experienced my moment of despair earlier this year. In a recent column (Taking the Shot) I wrote about how I almost lost my wife, house and, I thought, my life. Before I found out the nature of my illness I was sinking rapidly into the same type of hole that Sarah was in.

It took the entire night to pull Sarah away from the proverbial ledge. She's now getting proper help. She just had to get over the fear of the moment and needed a stranger to help her out of the shadows.

We live in a fear-based society, and it is easy to lose your way. If you are one of the lucky ones that don't, then find someone who is and try to help them through it. From this experience I have learned a few points that I would like to pass on.

When you find yourself in that hole and sinking fast, grab a life preserver. Sarah was always known in her circle as the strong one, and thus had no one in whom to tell her weaknesses. Luckily, my wife was my rock during my moment, but if you don't have one, call someone, anyone. Don't go through this alone.

Get help. Admit to yourself that you have a problem. Don't pretend to be strong when you're not. Everyone goes through these times. Find a therapist through your insurance plan. It is quite liberating to admit that you are not all that well even if you have acted the opposite for so long.

Be a friend. If you're not going through tough times, be aware of friends who might be. They may show signs of hopelessness or depression, and talk about suicide. If you're not sure, ask questions. It's better to be a nosy friend than to lose that friend. You never know when that person may help you out of a similar situation.

Sarah is confident that she is going to make it through her tough time. She is slowly beginning to realize that life is once again worth living. I have her blessings and permission to write this story.

(She did stipulate that one sentence be included: "Pilots are bastards, stay far away from them." I have a conflict of interest and won't comment since my wife is a pilot.)

Since getting to know Sarah, I have volunteered to serve on a crisis intervention hotline and encourage any of you to do the same.

It's a scary world out there and many people may need your help.

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